


Shelter

by AcrylicMist



Series: 4am work fics [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alpha dave's Timeline, Clowns, Family Feels, Feels, Gen, Guy Feiri, Icp, Other, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Rapping as a legitimate way of political overthrow, Songfic, homebuilding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-02-18 22:20:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13109667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AcrylicMist/pseuds/AcrylicMist
Summary: A look into the pesterlogs between Dave and Rose leading up to the end of the world. Alpha Dave and Alpha Rose struggle against her Imperious Condescension in a bid for eventual victory.





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not even sure if Homestuck songfics are even allowed in 2017 
> 
> But I found this song and it gave me the 4am work feels so I typed out 10K plus words in my phone at work and then formatted all of it into a pesterlog that was nearly the death of me.
> 
> Enjoy.
> 
> The song Shelter is by Thomas Robinson, and I'd highly recommend it ; )

Shelter 

 

 

turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]  at 2:43pm on January 4th, 1995! 

 

TG: so

TG: i know you don’t know me from adam and this is all hells of awkward 

TG: jesus i feel like a moron already but i’m hoping i have the right chumhandle so

TG: are you rose?

TG: ???

TG: shit i knew that harley woman was insane. she must have been insane that’s the only explanation that makes sense so anyway random not rose you can go ahead and forget i ever pestered you have a great fucking life i guess

TT: It’s Dave, isn’t it? I’ve been waiting for you to contact me.

TG: holy shit

TT: I understand your trepidation and unwillingness to beleive. I was the same way not too long ago. 

TG: how do you know my name?

TT: I assume the same way you knew mine. She did say that I would hear from you soon the last time we spoke. 

TG: jade right? listen you can’t tell me that you believe it’s true and that there’s some game out there and we all have parts to play in the end of the world because that’s bullshit and i’m not buying it.

TT: If you are so unwilling to admit the truth then why reach out to me in the first place? Simple human curiosity perhaps, or were you trying to thoroughly exhaust all available explanations before considering the impossible legend you’ve been suddenly told you’re a part of is the truth?

TG: because she was right ok?

TG: jade was right about a meteor hitting the confectioners factory. it’s on the news right now. some guy named john is dead, just like she said would happen and it’s freaking me the fuck out. 

TG: she even knew the exact day it would happen how is that possible?

TT: John is dead?

TG: yeah it says so right here. turn on the news and you can see for yourself the crater is massive we’re lucky only one person got killed. it could easily have been so much worse

TG: rose?

TT: Dave, did you know John?

TG: no I’ve never met him before in my life i didn’t even know he existed before jade predicted his untimely demise via space rock.

TT: I didn’t get to know him either. I wish I did. Knowing him was a privilege we both were cheated out of.

TT: It’s so odd, but.. I feel like I knew him.

TT: Really knew him. 

TT: Even though we never met I, I feel like I’ve lost a friend. I think John was supposed to be someone very dear to me.

TG: oh

TG: sorry

TG: hey can you see the future too or would that be a crazy thing to ask?

TG: not that i think you’re crazy or anything i’ve just learned not to expect reason or sanity from flighty broads that think they can see into the future.

TT: No I cannot predict the future and neither can Jade. That’s not how she became privy to such sensitive information. I’d like to know more about how she knows myself but she’s extremely tight lipped about the subject.

TT: But I’ve been having strange dreams lately. Chilling ones that I think mean something. 

TG: fuck so have i 

TG: i don’t know what’s going on but i think you’re right. i’m supposed to contact you arn’t i that’s what dream me said.

TG: rose 

TG: it’s all real isn’t it? 

TG: everything? it’s all real. 

TT: I am afraid so. The end of the world has set the stage and our names top the playbill. I thought it would be hard for me to swallow such a outlandish and far-fetched tale, much less believe that I played a part in this, but then the dreams began.

TG: its happening. jade was right john is fucking dead and it’s up to us now.

TT: Dave, I think we need to talk. 

 

 

TG turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]  at 4:10pm on December 4th, 1998! 

 

TG: happy b-day rose!

TG: how’s the big 25 feel? 

TT: You’re an entire year off there Dave. I’m only 24. 

TG: shit i’m in trouble arn’t i? goddamnit 

TG: i’ve been slayed by a typo rip

TT: I will be expecting lavish gifts to make up for this vast affront to my honor. 

TT: Don’t you know there is no crime more severe than overestimating a woman’s age? 

TG: rose i totally meant 24 my finger slipped. it’s kind of difficult to forget how old you are when we’re the exact same age. 

TG: all the same i’m scrambling the jets now. airstrike will reach the target eta 20 minutes. expect a veritable hell storm of righteous proportions to hit and shit their gift-wrapped fury all over your present location. it’ll be nothing but confetti and tinsel bows for miles raining down from on high. i’m talking scorched earth motherfucker 

TT: I’ll anticipate the incoming shitstorm with glee. My other gifts were quite lackluster this year. I was considering taking drastic action. 

TG: well it’s a good thing then that all i do is solve problems i just solve problems left and right these days. you can thank me later

TG: its pretty fucking weird though, all things considered.

TT: What do you mean? 

TG: we both just had birthdays. we’re another year older and i don’t feel like i got anything done all i did was write the script for yet another god awful movie

TG: how old do you think we’ll be when it happens?

TT: We have several more years to go, of that I’m sure. I wish I could tell you an exact date but I can’t. 

TG: but if we’re supposed to be fighting isn’t it better if it happens when we’re younger? like i don’t want to end up fucking everyone and everything over because my arthritic knees couldn’t handle a little cardio.

TT: We fight, yes, but our main job is to prepare. 

TG: prepare 

TT: Yes as far as I understand it, our main job is to pave the way for eventual victory. Our own rolls are vital to ensure a favorable future. 

TG: for our kids right jesus that’s a thought i never thought i’d have.

TT: Not children in a technical sense of the word, no, but they will be our charges. 

TG: i still can’t believe that neither of us were ever born. i spent my whole life thinking i popped out of a uterus just like every other dumbfuck on the planet but i guess i’m more of a freak than even i originally thought 

TG: so that’s our job then. we play house sitter for meteor babies that won’t even exist for another 400 years

TG: this game has excellent childcare parameters rose why wouldn’t mutant space rocks make the perfect cradles? 

TG: but the world won’t even exist then because it’s all going to be destroyed anyway no matter what we fucking do! 

TG: this is so fucked up rose

TG: fuck

TT: From SBURB’s point of view this setup makes perfect sense. We need to prepare a safe place for them to grow up until it’s their time to enter the game. 

TT: Waiting until we are old enough to have the right knowledge and resources gives the players the best chance of success possible. From that standpoint it’s genius.

TT: I just wish we could do more. 

TG: how’s your new book deal going?

TT: Fine I guess. More than fine in some accounts. 

TT: I’m slowly building the platform with which to perform a miraculous pirouette off of the eventual handle into the mire of a political landscape ruled by an alien dictator bent on the extinction of our race.

TT: It will be a swan dive foretold in legends passed down from soft whisperings into eager ears, told my people clustered around dimly lit campfires, eyes alight with the spirit of rebellion. 

TG: well you can keep your wizard slash

TG: these next movies of mine will be the setup for such ironic satire that the world will not be able to fathom the deeper meanings spawned in my enigma of a clouded but genius mind. 

TG: that’s a direct quote btw

TG: we can do this

TG: we can fight to prepare a place for them. we can make homes for them.

TT: And then, when the time comes, they will have their chance to avenge us. 

TG: still processing that last bit honestly

TG: but whatevs not important right now

TG: if building a home is what it takes to win then dammit i’ll make the best goddamn home this world has ever seen.

TT: Me too. I’ve been drawing the blueprints for its eventual construction all year. I’m getting really fond of it. The activity is a great way to pass the time and relieve stress. The construction is both elegant and conservative. These are walls that time shall not ravish. 

TG: oh shit i’ve got nothing. were we meant to be planning all of this out already? 

TG: no one told me we had homework rose

TT: Its fine Dave. I’m just making sure that all my bases are covered before things get complicated. 

TG: smart thinking sis 

TG: anyway happy birthday

TT: thank you 

TG: i’ll talk to you again soon.

 

tentacleTherapist [TT]  began pestering  turntechGodhead 

 

TT: Dave, are you there? 

TG: i’m here i’m watching it right now holy shit she’s here it’s happening 

TG: she’s been here the whole fucking time! She was here all along right under our noses.

TT: Betty Crocker. That was the factory John was killed at I should have realized this sooner. Of course she has been here the whole time that’s how this works. We’re all here early to pave the way for future events. It seems that not even the Empress is immune to these gaming constructs.

TG: god rose i know i gave up not believing a long time ago but holy hell

TG: she just revealed herself to the world and she’s already so powerful. crockercorp has its hands in everything! she’s won without lifting a finger

TT: Watching world leaders fawn over her is giving me a headache. 

TG: how are they ok with this? why isn’t anyone questioning if the alien empress is harboring any doomsday plans up her sleeves? It’s clear she thinks we’re all dumb aliens anyway so why isn’t anyone else suspicious?

TT: Only we know enough to question it. Everyone else has fallen for her charms and her sob story about being the last of her kind. All in all it is a convincing and well-choreographed performance. 

TT: It won’t be long until she’s influencing the political landscape. After that it’s all downhill. 

TG: god i thought i wanted the waiting to be over i thought i wanted things to get started 

TG: i’m going to throw up

TT: its okay Dave. I’m here and I know the truth. You’re not alone okay we both have each other. There’s still some good years left in the world so we have to make them count. This isn’t the ending yet.

TG: i’m scrapping my new script. this new one is going to be all about her. 

TT: Please don’t try anything too bold yet Dave. It’s dangerous to draw her attention and we can’t afford to let her know that we’re the player’s guardians. If we die too soon we ruin their chance of winning.

TG: i won’t do anything crazy yet. this degree of irony has to be worked for. it has to start subtle. 

TG: can’t hit them with the deep shit yet

TT: I’ll do the same from my end. Start stockpiling resources Dave. Find out who you can and can’t trust. 

TG: i already know the answer to that. 

TG: its no one. its just us. we’re all that stands in her way. 

TT: Get ready. The game begins. 

 

 

TG turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]  at 2:43pm on November 30th, 1999! 

 

TG: so here’s what i’m thinking. 

TG: things are surprisingly normal 

TG: too normal even.

TT: Did you expect the globe to change overnight? It’s only been a few months. She has to start slow as well.

TG: ok but 

TG: like

TG: i’ve been thinking. 

TG: about the two players. our players. they’re going to be kids rose 

TG: how am i supposed to take care of a kid when i’m fucking dead four hundred years in the past? 

TG: they’re going to grow up alone

TT: This has been bothering me as well. The problem is I don’t know any way to fix that. There’s too much time between us and them and no way to reach them.

TG: i’m doing the best i can. i’ve brokered millions into building a waterproof bunker at the top of a tower in texas. there’s some real macgyver shenanigans in here any prepper worth his salt would shit themselves if they knew all of the toys i’ve put into this sweet crib. blast proof walls, water desalination units, fishing gear for when the hic waterworlds the globe for her own private water park

TG: you know 

TG: just your ordinary run of the mill basic essentials

TT: Dave I don’t think it’s safe for us to talk specifics online like this.

TT: I don’t want to know where your home is being built. What if I’m captured and tortured for information? 

TG: you wouldn’t betray me.

TT: I know I wouldn’t, but what if she’s listening? What if one day you’re chatting with me but I’m not the one talking back on the other end? 

TT: Our accounts can get hacked Dave. It’s too dangerous for us to tell each other more than the basics. 

TG: idk texas is a pretty big state i think my secret is safe

TG: anyway no one gives a shit in texas i asked for a ocean-proofed bunker in the sky in the middle of the desert and the contractor just grunted at me and handed me a cowboy hat

TG: even said he was jealous of what a staunch american citizen i was

TG: i keep trying to find new drinks to store so he won't have just plain water his entire childhood but all i can find is like these five brands of orange soda rose what if he thinks i'm some kind of freak?

TG: anyway ignore my orange soda-induced mental breakdown have you talked to jade lately? how’s she doing?

TT: Very well. Due to secrecy I’m starved for details, but according to her Jake is the perfect toddler.

TT: I harbor no small amount of well-intended jealousy over the fact that she gets to raise her grandson/grandfather herself. 

TG: ectobiology is weird af

TG: I bet jakes a handful. he sounds awesome

TG: jade can handle him though. she’s a badass and i know he’s getting the best upbringing possible.

TG: its quiet though. no riots, no chaos

TG: a lot of people don’t even believe the batter witch exists. they think it was all a marketing ploy dreamt up by crockercorp

TG: people forget so easily things they don’t want to face.

TT: The general masses are animals unwilling to believe they’re being led wide eyed and bushy tailed to slaughter.

TG: can you blame them? i might have been like that until i knew better

TG: it almost seems easier, not knowing 

TT: It’s making me nervous. I don’t understand why she would reveal herself only to go into hiding. She fans the flames of her own conspiracy theories to cover up her existence and it’s not making sense. 

TG: i gave up on things making sense the instant i knew i had a sister

TG: and a older/younger brother who from our standpoint doesn’t even exist yet.

TG: What was his name? did jade ever tell you that much?

TG: please

TG: i need to know his name i get why we need secrets but can i at least know that?

TT: His name is Dirk. 

TT: And his twin will be named Roxy. 

TG: dirk

TT: There’s four of them total. Jake is here in the present with us, and Roxy and Dirk will crash land over 400 years in the future. I don’t know who the last player is, though they’re here in the present with Jake.

TT: Jade has a theory that the HIC has something to do with the final member of their team. John was killed before he could raise the child himself and the baby vanished in the chaos that came after the impact. Jade and I both think that the HIC likely intervened. 

TG: oh god what

TG: the batter witch has a child?!

TT: I think that’s why she’s laying low like this. She’s attempting to sabotage the game before it begins and she likely already has a player under her toxic influence. It’s what I would do if I were planning to overthrow a cosmic game responsible for the destruction of my species.

TG: rose what are we doing we can’t let the empress have a child wtf

TG: can’t we rescue them somehow?

TT: I don’t even know where to begin looking and I respect Jade too much to pester her about the details. It’s simply too dangerous. Jake is too young to be in contact with them yet and Jade is trying to give him a normal childhood. There’s nothing to do but wait. 

TG: fuck that

TG: i can’t believe there’s nothing that we can do

TG: there’s got to be something rose

TT: In any case I don’t think she would harm them. The Empress may be many things, but she is one who recognizes the value of having a player under her probably minor influence.

TG: ok

TG: that’s not fine at all but ok

TG: one fucking step at a time i guess

 

TG turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]  at 9:41pm on December 2nd, 1999! 

 

TG: jade’s dead

TG: the hic killed her and i thought you should know

TG: that’s really all there is to say on the matter. 

 

TT tentacleTherapist [TT]  began pestering  TG turntechGodhead [TG]  at 4:13am on December 3rd 1999! 

 

TT: Dave? Dave oh my God please answer. I need to talk to you.

TG: where is he we need to fucking find him rose

TG: where is jake?

TT: I don’t know! Jade never told me where she was raising him. 

TG: if the batterwitch could find a way to take jade out then jake is in danger and we need to find him right the fuck now

TT: I know I’m already looking- I’ve been looking! 

TT: All I know is that it was somewhere remote, somewhere Jade didn’t have to worry about other people bothering her or asking questions.

TG: jake is barely three what if he’s all alone out there in the wilderness somewhere? 

TT: I’m sure Jade was prepared for something like this. She had decades to plan and make sure that no matter what Jake would be alright.

TT: I... 

TT: I think she knew.

TT: I think that she always knew that this would happen. 

TG: rose…

TT: That means she must have provided a way for Jake to be cared for after... after her death. 

TT: She was so adamant that he grow up normal. Jake will be fine, I have to believe that he will be fine. 

TG: if she knew why not give him to us? she knew we would have taken jake in.

TT: My only guess is that she knew that we would jump at the chance to raise Jake in the event of her death, and also that she understood that, to us and our roll, Jake would serve only as a distraction.

TT: Our job is to prepare the way for Roxy and Dirk. Jade wouldn’t have wanted us taking on the burden of raising a child when she knew there was so much that we still need to do.

TG: fuck that jake isn’t some distraction rose he’s just a kid

TG: we need to fucking find him, and damn all fucking distractions that’s bullshit.

TT: I have carefully put out feelers. I am going to try my best to find him.

TG: me too

TG: shes killed two of us now

TG: john jade

TG: we’ve got to be careful.

TG: fuck i knew this was dangerous but i guess it never fully sank in until now

TT: I don’t think that I can admit to myself that Jade is gone. I never knew John, but I loved Jade. 

TG: i loved her too

TG: so now we make sure that her grandson has a chance. 

TT: I realize, that with recent event, that this might seem improper, but…

TT: Happy Birthday Dave.

TG: yeah

TG: let’s just focus on finding jake

 

tentacleTherapist [TT]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]  at 5:03pm on Febuary 2nd 2006! 

 

TT: We’re getting closer. Crockercorp’s exponential growth has ensured that there’s nothing that goes on that they don’t have hands in. Construction on Roxy’s home is nearing completion after eight long years of construction but there is still so far to go. 

TT: I find myself uneasy in the spotlight after the success of my latest edition of Complacency of the Learned. I don’t think anyone realizes yet what it’s about, but the novels have gained quite the audience.

TG: life’s surprisingly good here as well

TG: sbahj is now a critically acclaimed pile of shit 

TG: they want to give me a grammy over it

TG: i have so much money it’s stupid and i can’t spend it all on dirk’s home fast enough to keep it a secret

TG: god this was a lot easier when the entire world didn’t know my face.

TT: Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

TG: heavy indeed

 

tentacleTherapist [TT]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]  at 1:21am on November 11th 2011! 

 

TT: They’re in. 

TG: are you sure?

TT: Yes. 

TT: Jake is alive and in the game. So is the second player. 

TG: that last meteor has killed people rose. It was so big that when it hit it caused a tsunami in austrailia and new zealand 

TG: that’s where jade hid jake for all this time- some island in the south pacific’s equivalent to the middle of screwball nowhere

TG: i’m impressed .

TT: I’ve been looking into the first meteor. It landed on a house owned by, guess who, the heiress apparent of all Crockercorp. I should have guessed that the launch of Crockercorp’s new rebranding scheme coincided with the start of the game for Jake and the new player.

TT: Her name was Jane. 

TG: jane? 

TG: that’s good then. they’re both safe in the medium or the insiphisphere or whatever the hell its called

TG: they escaped.

TT: You know what this means right?

TG: what

TG: come on rose don’t shit all over my good mood just yet let a guy have his five seconds of relief 

TG: I’ve been stressing about jake and jane’s well-being for twelve years 

TG: jesus 

TG: they fucking did it. they made it out.

TT: The game has started for Jake and Jane. It starts for us as well. The Empress no longer needs to hold back. Soon, her takeover begins.

TG: it’s just us now. we’re all that’s left. no more players, and no other guardians

TG: it feels lonelier than i imagined.

TG: i’m trying my best to take these things slow but then shit like this happens all at once and i can’t help but feel if we don’t act now that we’ll wake up one morning to find that it’s already too late, that the hag has already won and it was all for nothing 

TT: it’s not for nothing Dave. Jake is alive! Jane is alive! They’re safe from whatever bullshit the world is about to suffer. 

TG: so they’re the lucky ones

TG: But what about dirk? roxy?

TG: they don’t get to skip all of the bad parts. 

TT: I’m trying to equip my home with anything that I think will give Roxy a chance at a normal childhood. 

TG: ya know

TG: i used to think it was a shit plan, what jade did. i thought, hey look, we have this kid player who’ll grow up to play a murder game that will most likely be the hardest thing he’s ever done and probably try to kill him in multiple and ever-creative ways. it’d be stupid not to try and prepare him for the game beforehand so he’s got half a chance right? train him up a little so when the game starts he fucking knows how to handle it

TG: i understand now. 

TG: jade was right. i want to give dirk a normal childhood so much it physically hurts me. i want to give him everything. i want him not to have to play some stupid fucking game that shoves so much responsibility onto his shoulders

TG: they’re only sixteen rose.

TG: can’t you remember what that was like? they think they’re grown up but they’re still just children and i can’t stand it 

TT: Dave...

TG: no wait a sec rose i’m on a roll atm

TG: i can fill dirk’s home with eight tons of robotics parts and enough spare machinery to ensure that he’s never bored and can fix or make anything he can imagine. i can fill the cabinets with food and his bedroom drawer with dinosaur gummy vitamins so he doesn’t give himself scurvy as a five year old

TG: i can give him reading systems and hooked on phonics so he can grow up with words and i can install encoded private servers so that he has access to the sum of all human knowledge that i’ve had wired into nigh-indestructible files so that he can learn about whatever he wants to know

TG: i can give him computers and air conditioning and a roof over his head and a bed to sleep in

TG: but how can i give him the thing any child really needs?

TG: how do I let dirk know that he’s loved?

TG: how can i be a good parent, a good guardian/older brother/father whatever the fuck i am, when i’m so far away from him?

TG: rose please how do i let dirk know he’s loved? i love him so much and dirk needs to know he’s not alone

TG: he needs to know that i love him.

TG: rose?

TT: One moment, my screen seems to be blurred. 

TG: oh shit are you crying? don’t cry rose if you cry i’ll cry and no one wants to see that

TG: i’m an ugly crier. snot and tears everywhere, face redder than the most sunburnt texan to ever saddle a horse. this face will put a tomato to shame

TT: Okay I will admit that I am now crying. There are tears aplenty. 

TT: I never thought that Roxy wouldn’t think that she was loved. I always assumed that love was granted, that she would look around at the home I’ve made for her and just know.

TT: I was wrong though. 

TT: Teenagers never recognize love. They bury it under layers of angst and passive aggression. 

TT: Oh God Dave, you’re right. How do I let Roxy know that she is loved? If I paint the words across her bedroom ceiling like this sudden irrational part of me wants to do, she’ll take is as an empty gesture, nothing but the scrawlings of a long dead madwoman trying and failing to grant human comfort that she’ll tell herself that she doesn’t need.

TG: fuck it now i’m crying too

TG: i thought this was supposed to be a happy day because jane and jake made it out and the empress can’t touch them now. 

TG: yet I have these mystery tears on my keyboard 

TG: quick rose tell a shitty joke before i flood the planet myself. i’ll out cry the polar icecaps just you fucking watch me.

TT: What is brown and sticky?

TG: what 

TT: The joke. What is brown and sticky?

TG: used chewing gum you find on the bottom of your shoe

TG: a hollywood spray tan gone wrong 

TG: literal feces 

TG: idk what?

TT: A stick. 

TT: A stick is both brown and “sticky”. 

TG: i’m going to delete your number.

TT: You did ask for a shitty joke and there’s nothing shittier than this type of feeble wordplay.

TG: you got me there

TG: thank you

TT: Don’t mention it. What else are sisters for?

TG: rose?

TT: Yes?

TG: i’m glad you’re my sister. i’m forever thankful that i got the supreme privilege of knowing you. 

TT: Me too Dave. Me too. 

 

tentacleTherapist [TT]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG] 

 

TT: Is it just me or are there a lot of clowns in the news lately?

TG: it’s not just you and it’s fucking creepy.

TT: Clowns and celebrities in politics. That has to be the hag starting to rally her forces.

TG: if juggalo clowns are the best she can do we might have a chance.

TT: I’m not so sure. 

TT: She’s planning something, I can feel it.

 

tentacleTherapist [TT]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]  at 12:00am on December 3rd 2020! 

 

TT: Happy birthday Dave. 

TT: Amid such joyous greetings I have a confession.

TT: I just watched your latest Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff movie SBAHJ 5- it just keeps hapning. 

TT: Dave, you’ve got to be more careful. This is not the world we used to live in. 

TG: yeah I figured that out the first time i turned on the shower and got a face full of grape faygo 

TG: i was naked and covered in sugary fizzy clown cola

TG: trust me it is not an incident that will ever leave my mind.

TT: I am being serious. 

TT: People are starting to disappear Dave. 

TG: i read your last book

TG: hypocrite 

TG: covering your derision in fancy purple prose doesn’t disguise your true meaning any better than me hiding my subliminal messages underneath a mountain of utter bullshit does.

TT: I think she knows about us.

TG: that’s not possible. 

TT: Even if she doesn’t guess that we’re both player guardians The Empress will know that we stand against her. Her opposing line is not the safest place to plant one’s feet these days.

TG: i’m actually surprised that the world fell to shit so fast. we willingly crumpled beneath her fuchsia boot heel. 

TG: there’s two fucking juggalos running in the presidential election this year 

TG: god help us all if they’re elected.

TT: Guy Fieri is basically running the CIA now.

TT: She skillfully set us up for political ruin with masterful strokes.

TT: Her underhanded tactics are impressively cruel and efficient. I guess it comes easy to her. We’re not the first planet she’s taken over, or even the thousandth.

TG: yeah but we are the only one she’s had to overthrow without the might of her armies behind her

TG: this time its just her 

TG: so what should we do?

TT: I’ve been thinking about weapons.

TG: ?

TT: For Roxy and Dirk. They will need some way to defend themselves against the HIC, and it would benefit them to not be entirely helpless once they enter the game.

TG: ive been thinking the same thing. 

TG: i’ve been collecting swords for years. i’ll stock the apartment with them and i’ll fill it with instructions on how to not cut off your own leg swinging it around like a dumbfuck.

TT: I’m thinking guns. Big ones.

TT: Nothing can hurt Roxy if it’s shot dead at fifty yards.

TG: fucking hardcore rose

TG: wait a sec

TG: shit rose is it even safe to put guns in a house with unsupervised kids? what if something happens?

TT: I’ve devised a locked cabinet system that will not open until after the correct answer to an algorithm is entered. That should ensure that she can only access the guns once she’s old enough not to accidentally injure herself.

TG: smart thinking. what’s the algorithm?

TT: It’s the binary code for ‘please’. I fretted against making it too difficult. 

TG: should i give dirk guns? i don’t really like guns but if they can help him live long enough to stand a chance...

TG: idk the thought makes my skin crawl

TG: i don’t know if i can do that.

TT: It’s up to you Dave. It’s your choice

TG: i’ll make it his choice. dirk can decide. i’ll give him some disassembled weapons kits so when he’s old enough he can decide whether or not to put them together

TT: That’s surprisingly insightful of you.

TG: you sound surprised. 

TT: I confess that watching your latest movie may have knocked a few of my brain cells loose.

TG: sweet sweet success. 

TT: But again...

TT: something needs to be done. 

TG: i know

TG: like fuck i know

TG: i’d run for fucking president because the way thinks look right now i might actually stand a chance against candidates who are literal clowns, except that doing so would instantly sign me up for assassination

TG: they’d pronounce me dead from suicide via bullet to the back of the head within a week 

TG: just like what’s happened to any borderline non vomit -inducing candidate who contained a minimum of three functioning brain cells.

TG: it’s going to be the clowns. 

TT: They do publicly have the HIC’s support. Most will vote for them just out of fear to keep her appeased.

TT: the world is waking up to what’s going on and they’re not liking what they see.

TG: then why arn’t they fighting back?

TT: Fear.

TT: They must believe that things will get better after she takes over. As they see it, if takeover is what she wants and they willingly give it to her, they can avoid the war that resistance will bring and the utter ruin that they know will accompany it. they must see her as a dictator, one who once achieves complete control will turn to other options besides genocide.

TT: They don’t know that she wants to recreate her home world, or that humanity is standing in her way. 

TG: she is going to kill us all.

TG: she will drive humanity past the point of extinction within the next three hundred years

TG: dirk jane jake roxy

TG: they’ll be all that’s left.

TG: i can’t stand just waiting here! let’s wreck some shit 

TT: Not yet Dave. Not just yet

TG: how much longer do we have to wait?

TT: Until the end?

TT: Not too long now I’m afraid.

TT: But we cant rush this.

TG: so what can we do until then?

TT: Dave?

TT: how do you feel about gathering an army?

TG: hell

TG: fucking 

TG: yes

 

tentacleTherapist [TT]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]  at 10:24pm on June 18th 2024! 

 

TT: It can’t be much longer now.

TT: They are watching my hotel.

TG: the clowns won how much longer did you think it would take before the actual apocalypse started? 

TG: even with all of these years we’ve had to prepare i still think it’s not enough

TG: how can we know if we did enough?

TG: our ‘army’ rose, they’re just a handful of whatever crazy satirical lobbyists and vengeful red necks dumb or desperate enough to join us and they’re just as doomed as we are

TG: they’re disappearing too.

TT: Everyone is. Feiri is filling the camps with them and they say that so much blood runs into the sea in San Francisco that it’s killing the fish. He’s become the enforcer of the Condescension’s law now.

TT: I don’t think we can contact each other for much longer. She’ll target the web next to assume total control. Her flagship hovers openly over DC.

TG: so it’s time

TG: time to hit back while there’s still people who count on us. if we can make a difference then we sure as hell should make our deaths count for something. 

TG: i don’t care that we’re doomed- that we’ve been fucked from the get go

TG: if we can inspire the last remaining resistance to keep hope then maybe they’ll have a few good years left trading stories around the fire.

TT: let’s make sure then that we give them good ones...

 

turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]  at 6:12pm on March 25th, 2026! 

 

TG: rose

TG: its me

TG: have you decided what you plan on doing yet?

TT: It's been over three years of us being nothing but a minor inconvenience to the Condescension. I am eager to change that. Our small resistance needs to go out with a bang.

TT: I’m targeting Feiri first. If I can take him out it’ll save thousands of lives. They can flee and hide in the confusion that comes after I remove him from this dread equation and his head from his shoulders.

TT: I know where he’s going to be next week. 

TG: feiri huh

TG: good choice. isn’t he busy genociding canada? 

TT: Currently yes, but he’s attending the ‘paint factory’ grand opening at Niagara in six days. The waterfall is already running red and he needs to die Dave. I need to kill him.

TG: i know. I understand how you feel. that’s a good plan- hit fast and hit hard

TT: What are you doing?

TG: me?

TG: you know, something small

TG: just a small thing, to start this whole rebellion we’ve been leading for the past few years off on a good foot

TG: i am going to kill both of the sitting us presidents 

TG: publicly.

TT: Dave, that is an admirable goal, but their under the direct protection of Her Imperious Condescension. At least Guy will be alone and unaware. Going after Shaggy and Violent J is impossible.

TG: i know it is

TG: that’s why i sent them an invite to a rap-off. winner takes all. 

TG: apparently that passes for a legal form of political overthrow under the empress’s ass-backwards tyrannical regime 

TT: So they know you’re coming?!

TT: Dave how could you?

TG: rose someone needs to be the one that fucking stands up and does what’s needed to be done. i’m not worried about the rapping, i’ve prepared the sickest burns this universe has ever seen. this shits so hot it’s fatal. i can take them

TT: She is not going to let you get away with killing the ICP. Those clowns are like pets to her.

TG: i’ve got unreal air with me. i can make it. all I need to do is kill them and outrun the consequences for long enough for us to meet up after you teach guy the real meaning of subterfuge 

TG: then together we face the condense and give destiny the middle finger

TT: And then we die.

TG: and then we die victors rose. i know that we were never meant to win, but if we can pull this off we can give a hell of a lot of people a few more years

TG: and maybe who knows? maybe one day dirk and roxy will look back at what we did and be proud

TG: maybe it’ll feel like we accomplished something worthwhile. 

TT: I can’t talk you out of this can I?

TG: no

TG: the event is already being publicized. i will out-rap the both of them, and then kill them.

TG: then i’ll find you.

TT: I’ll be waiting Dave. Try not to be late.

 

tentacleTherapist [TT]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]  at 2:33pm on April 10th 2026! 

 

TT: Dave, is this it? 

TG: i think so. i’m already in dc and my sword is nearly as sharp as these fire rhymes 

TG: they won’t know what hit them.

TT: I’m already moving into position at Niagara. Guy will be here in three days. 

TG: i’ve got to go. they’re going to televise the rap off live and i’ve got to see some clowns about the oval office 

TG: i’ll see you soon rose.

TT: I’ll see you soon.

 

tentacleTherapist [TT]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]  at 5:05pm on April 10th 2026! 

 

TT: Dave...

TT: That was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen. 

TT: Congratulations on being a hero. You were right- those clowns never stood a chance against you did they?

TT: I saw you get away before they cut off the live feed. The people are cheering you on. The whole world was watching.

TT: I don’t know about Dirk, but there has never been a sister more proud of her brother than I am right now.

TT: The HIC is furious, but we expected that.

TT: Dave?

TT: It’s okay. Don’t try to answer. Keep laying low. Don’t stop running. I’ll meet you in Boston. 

TT: Now it’s my turn...

 

tentacleTherapist [TT]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG] at 4:13pm on April 13th 2026! 

 

TT: Dave? Are you there?

TT: You’re dead arn’t you? 

TT: That’s okay. It’s all okay Dave.

TT: You did great. You did better than anyone else could have done.

TT: I killed Guy Feiri, did you know? Were you watching? I even rode his body down the waterfall. It was quite epic.

TT: Anyway,

TT: I’m afraid I won’t make it to Boston.

TT: The Empress found me.

TT: She’s here.

TT: I can see her flagship descending even as I type this. I’m not sure why I still am anymore. I knew you were dead when she went after you herself. Not even Unreal Air could outrun her flagship, but I didn’t want to believe it, not even when the news reported it. I haven't believed in the news for years. I guess I have to now.

TT: I guess I just thought that saying goodbye would make things easier.

TT: I’ll give the HIC my best for you Dave.

TT: See you soon brother. 

 

tentacleTherapist [TT]  has become an idle chum!


	2. Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part Two

Part Two

 

timaeusTestified (TT) began Pestering tipsyGnostalgic (TG)!

TT: Hey Roxy.

TT: Do you ever stop to think about who made these houses for us? My older bro and your mom? 

TG: do I think about them dirky?

TG: I guess I do? sometimes its hard not to wonder about who they must of been

TG: sometimes it hits me all at once that they knew we were coming- they must have known rite?

TT: They constructed our respective apartments and stocked them adequately in order for us to survive our formative years, so yes, I’d say they knew we were coming. This is a fact.

TT: But do you even think about them? 

TT: About who they were?

TG: why are you asking? is something eatin at you?

TT: I’m not sure. 

TT: I found all of the old videos and I’ve watched them all dozens of times. I’ve memorized the exact way the world fell apart and how they tried to stop it.

TT: They really were something weren’t they?

TG: do yu think they knew about the game? They knew the hag before the rest of the world gathered together their last two brain cells about her. they knew.

TT: Yeah.

TT: I know they must have known about us, and about the game, but do you think they knew how things would turn out? Did they fight and struggle, knowing that it’s all in vain?

TG: dirky no

TG: T’snot in vain. They fucking won at the end- killed the juggalo fucks and that fury guy

TT: So they were heroes.

TG: yeah I think that’s what makes people heroes

TT: do you think we’ll ever live up to them?

TG: you can’t hide your inner brewing from Me di stri. I know how your brain works too well

TG: this is the real reason you asked isntit?

TT: I’m withdrawing any information that led you to this false conclusion.

TG: false dirky I know you

TG: your in your tower right now aren’t you? Stewing away over your older bro but listen

TG: they had years to learn how to hero

TG: ik that the war was lost but you ever think they didn’t fight it for them?

TT: What do you mean?

TG: god dirky I don’t know how your so fucking smart about somethings but miss basip concepts that are blarently obvious

TT: You just misspelled four words in one sentence but somehow I’m the one who missing the obvious?

TG: and who are you? Jane? Miss me w/ that fine grammer dirky

TG: but back to the point >:( 

TG: they didn’t fight the war for them- they fought it for us. how else do you imagine they build us these fucking homes and made sure the condense wouldn’t find us?

TT: That’s a nice thought.

TT: It would be more helpful though if they’d managed to finish her off four hundred years ago, if they were so concerned with our safety.

TG: dirk no

TG: open your eyes and take a look around you. There’s a roof over your head and a bed with your name on it isn’t there? They made sure we would have these things

TT: So you want me to believe that they loved us, not that they were saddled with us and did the only bare minimum to ensure our continued survival until the game begins, because that’s a fucking stretch rox and you know it. They never knew us.

TG: I think that they did dirk! I know dave and rose might not look like it from the records and the tapes and such- but they loved us I know they did.

TG: maybe not at first. 

TG: but.., like, my house. Its filled with small things like books and colored pens. How’s that not love?

TT: Says the girl who was left nothing but booze.

TG: it’s a drink that can last centuries in storage dirk and you are missign the point

TG: they loved us, end of story

TT: If we can finish what they started all those years ago, do you think that’ll be enough?

TG: enough for wat because if its more hero shit im going to lose my shit at you dirk?

TT: To be heroes like they were.

TG: and you said that wasn;t the true reason for this talk ;) i knew i knew you this fucking good i'm the best bestest freind and i demand accolades 

TT: Accolades granted.

TG: but really tho

TG: I hope so dirky. I really hope so 

TT: I just wish I could have known them better.

TG: me too

TT: Me too.

TG: they would have been so fuckign proud of us dirk. so proud

TG: *fuckig

TG: no wait fuck

TG: *fucking

TT: Some things never change, and as comforting a thought as that is it's driving me slowly off of the deep end. I just want the game to start already. I'm sick of this waiting for what comes next.

TG: don't worry. things will happen when they happen. Dave n rose had to wait decades before shit hit the fan so we've just got to be paitent like them

TG: waiting is the easy part. its what comes next that scares me

TT: Does it? I suppose that makes a certain degree of sense, but it's so stagnant here. Don't you want to see whats after this? I've never seen beyond my apartment and I want to experience whats left of existence before the game breaks it.

TG: well yeah obviously, but like... idk

TG: this life is what i've known. so far it hasnt been that bad. what if the game is worse? that's what i'm afraid of, and janey and jake don't come from here like we do- they won't be as ready and that scares me dirk

TT: We won't let anything bad happen to them, you know that Roxy. We've prepared them all we can. Hell, I even sent Jake a kill bot for sparring. That has to count for something.

TG: an what we did with the rabbit! makbe we didn't do all that bad after all

TT: I think I'm starting to beleive that. Not us being heroes, but the fact that I think they would have been proud of us even if the only thing we've done so far is survive and bother each other over a chat app, rabbits and robots aside.

TG: i luv you too dirky

TT: The game will start soon. Are you ready? I think I have to tell Jake the truth soon, about where we come from, and I know he's not going to take it easy.

TG: Ditto jane's the same, but your'e right. we need to info dump on their collective plush asses

TT: So.

TT: If this is the last time we talk before Jane starts the game, can you promise me something?

TG: what?

TT: I don't care what happens- keep yourself safe. I have checks in place, but I can only do so much so please Roxy. Promise me you'll stay safe.

TG: aww dirky you make me cri

TG: ok ill stay safe- no risks over here.

TT: Okay.

TG: you'll do the same right, WON'T YOU DIRK?

TG: *eyeballs suspiciously* 

TT: Yeah I will. I guess I'll see you soon, and isn't that an odd thought.

TG: ha don;t keep me waiting dirk. i'll see you soon

TimaeusTestified (TT) ceased Pestering tipsyGnostalgic (TG)!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had a lot of feels about this whole situation and wanted to try some new things out, but somehow it turned out deeper and more meaningful than i ever expected. just... idk. dirk and roxy are so so lucky that they had dave and rose to prepare a place for them, and then the game starts and they all meet up and I just can't take it. I can't. Its too much- but I guess this was me trying to touch just a glimpse of what they might have gone through.

**Author's Note:**

> I could never find the right way to tell you  
> Have you noticed I've been gone?  
> And I have left behind the home that you made me  
> But I will carry it along.
> 
> Mm it's a long way forward so trust in me  
> I'll give them shelter like you've done for me  
> And I know I'm not alone, you'll be watching over us  
> Until you're gone.
> 
> When I'm older I'll be silent beside you  
> I know that words won't be enough  
> And they don't need to know our names or our faces  
> But they will carry on for us.
> 
> Mm it's a long way forward so trust in me  
> I'll give them shelter like you've done for me  
> And I know I'm not alone, you'll be watching over us  
> Until you're gone.


End file.
